What are love languages?

The concepts of love languages were developed by Gary Chapman in his book "The Languages of Love", which has sold over 6 million copies. 

This concept, though seemingly simple, is truly enriching in terms of mutual understanding, not only within the couple, but also with our children, friends, parents...

Chapman observes that "if we want to communicate effectively with people from other cultures, we have to learn their language. The same goes for love. The language of your romantic love and that of your partner may be as different as Chinese is from French".

According to him, each individual grows up with his or her own language and dialect when it comes to love. 

Everyone has a "core" love language that resonates more deeply on an emotional level. And that's the one we use, even if it's not necessarily the one our partner uses.

In other words, everyone gives love in a certain way, and expects to receive it in a certain way too.

‍

What are the 5 languages of love?

According to Gary Chapman, there are five main languages:

1. Rewarding words

They include compliments on personality, appearance and gestures made for the other person, but also declarations of love, love text messages...

The person proves his love through verbal communication.

2. Quality moments

It's about offering your full attention and presence; whatever the activity, "I'm doing this to be with you".

It could be a tête-à-tête in a restaurant, a romantic weekend outing...

3. The gifts

Mind you, you may feel that these are materialistic, but they're not: their value lies in the intention behind the gesture. It's the feeling of having been observed and understood, with the aim of choosing something that would really please.

This can take the form of small gestures, like going to the bakery to buy the other person's favorite dessert.

4. Services rendered

For some people, doing a favor is more meaningful than a simple "I love you". It can be doing the shopping, changing the garbage can... 

5. Physical touch

We're talking about body language: it's not limited to sexuality, but includes hugs, tenderness, kisses and simple gestures like holding hands on walks or kissing every morning before parting.

Each person uses a mixture of these languages, but identifying the ones that are most important to you and your partner is essential to cultivating the feeling of love and building a solid couple.

‍

Why know your main love languages and those of your partner?

‍

Everyone has what Gary Chapman calls an "emotional reservoir", which can be filled to varying degrees at different stages of life. To fill it and satisfy your partner's emotional needs, the process is simple: you need to use his or her love language.

Assuming that you speak the same language as your partner, and that his or her needs are similar to yours, exposes you to misunderstandings that can jeopardize your relationship, as he or she will not perceive the affection you are trying to convey.

Conversely, speaking each other's language is a key to better communication and building a lasting relationship.

Let's take a concrete example: in a couple, the wife expresses herself mainly through the language of physical touch, while her husband favors the language of services rendered. The husband goes out of his way to do household chores and mow the lawn, thinking he's fulfilling his wife's needs. However, she will feel neglected in the absence of physical affection, and will fail to recognize the love in her husband's acts of service.

It's a shame, isn't it? You miss out on real connection possibilities because of a simple misunderstanding.

How can you get to know your main love languages and those of your partner?

So how do you discover your own love language?

  • Watch your actions carefully: we often offer what we ourselves would like to receive. What gestures do you use to show your love?
  • What is the deprivation you most frequently complain about? Lack of affectionate gestures? Romantic moments together... ?

What you need most reflects your love language.

  • What are your most frequent requests?

Invite your partner to answer the same questions.

And if it's still not clear, the Unio Preparation team has put together a free test to discover your love languages. 

How do you bring the languages of love to life in your relationship?

First of all, a little phrase to ponder: "there is no love, there are only proofs of love" (Pierre Reverdy). You have to know how to recognize and receive them.

Commitment to nurturing your couple and taking care of your partner means, among other things, transmitting your love to them on a channel they clearly receive.

Where to start?

After you've tested the love languages, make a commitment in the coming week to perform an action in each other's love language. This will grow your connection.

Does your spouse speak the language of services rendered? Take on a task that usually falls to him or her, and that is costing him or her money. Does he or she speak the language of quality time? Organize a surprise picnic...

‍

Now you know all about the languages of love, and how to make them work for you as a couple.

To make sure this concept doesn't remain a dead letter, it's up to you! Start expressing your love in the best possible way and speaking the same language.

As an aside: this concept is not only useful for building a happy couple.

Indeed, an added benefit is that understanding this concept is not limited to your relationship as a couple, but can also facilitate your interactions with your parents and (future) children. 

As far as children are concerned, it's possible to spot their predominant language of expression from an early age, between a very cuddly child, or another who constantly wants to offer his drawings... You can enjoy identifying these tendencies in the children of your close circle.

‍