Life is not like the movies: what it means to be "a good lay"

In the collective imagination, a person who is described as a good lay is the one who manages in bed, the one who would be the extraordinary lover, who knows all the techniques and satisfies all her partners. That's what we tell ourselves.

You've probably already heard many people tell you that their cookie recipe is THE best recipe ("but I use brown sugar", or "my secret is to use different chocolate chips"). The reality is that we each have our own favorite recipes. And sometimes our favorite recipes even change over time. Well, it's the same with sex.

Although it is commonly used, the expression "to be a good lay" conveys erroneous ideas. Talking about being a good lay gives the impression that it is possible to be a universally recognized lover, as if there is a right way to do things. However, not everyone likes the same things about sex. Moreover, relationships between partners are bound to evolve. Have you ever met someone and thought you would never become close, only to develop a beautiful friendship? In the same way, sharing an unsatisfying intimate moment is not an end point. Sexual closeness and complicity develop and are maintained, just like all our feelings and relationships!

The importance of communication and listening as a couple

All this to say that :

  • there is no one right way to make love
  • sharing an unsatisfactory sexual experience is not a sign of total incompatibility between partners
  • it is entirely possible and welcome to discuss this with your partner in order to actively maintain your relationship

Communication is an integral part of intimacy. Before you bring the subject up, you may want to ask yourself the questions you would like to ask your partner: what do I want? what turns me on? what practices do I want to explore?

Next, you can open a dialogue with your partner. You can ask him or her what he or she wants, what he or she needs. You can also share your thoughts: we often tend to go straight to the less positive things, but don't forget to talk about what you like (I like it when you tell me such and such). Also, be careful with the words you choose, the goal not being to crush your partner with reproaches but to establish a constructive dialogue.

Finally, don't forget to listen, not just to what is said to you. Non-verbal communication is also important and allows you to share a lot of emotions; you can also be attentive to the signals that your partner sends you during your intimate moments, by listening to his words, his moans or by watching his body movements.

Healthy communication means making time for your relationship, giving each other moments to yourself, but it's a necessary foundation for your growth.

Exploring together and maintaining sexual creativity

To maintain your intimacy or even innovate in your sex life, you have a range of possibilities available to you:

  • Discover alternative ways to share an intimate moment: you can indulge in non-penetrative sex, try slow sex, take your lovemaking elsewhere than in bed, create a new atmosphere
  • Explore your body: we tend to focus on the classic erogenous zones and neglect the rest, while our whole body is actually a large erogenous zone (lower back, neck, thighs, feet...)
  • Vary your gestures: by dint of doing them, certain movements tend to be performed robotically, without you being totally present and active. Take the time to kiss each other, put some intention in your caresses (with your fingertips, vary the pressure, bite the skin...)
  • You can also use accessories to explore new sensations: no need to buy the whole set, it can start by using a scarf to blindfold yourself and see the effect it gives you, use massage oil to slide skin against skin ...
  • Take the time to try, sometimes several times, while listening to your desires and those of your partner!

In the end...

Being a good lay is a matter of listening, communication, maintenance and time. Our only universal advice is to remember to ask for the consent of your partners at all stages of your explorations. Because nothing is sexier than a person who cares about our well-being!