We often hear about libido, in social conversations, on the radio, in many different contexts: but what are we talking about? Libido is what we also call sexual appetite. It's about our impulses, our desires, our sexual activity, whether real or imaginary.

Like mood, appetite, or our energy level, libido fluctuates. As a couple, it can happen that partners find themselves in situations where their libidos are not "in phase". If you take a moment to think about it, two things will surely come to mind: on the one hand, the (completely false) idea that people in a relationship always want sex from each other at the same time; on the other hand, examples of people who have encountered this "problem" of asynchronous libidos and have suffered from it

Why does my libido fluctuate?

There are many factors that influence our libido.

It can vary with age, especially due to hormonal changes, or our level of physical fatigue. Certain illnesses or drug treatments (antidepressants, birth control pills) can cause a drop in libido. Mental fatigue also plays a role, depending on whether we are in a state of generalized stress, facing financial or professional worries, or having to manage relationship problems.

It is important to note that past sexual experiences and sexual trauma play an important role in sexual appetite. Pain at the time of intercourse can also have a negative impact on the desire to have sex.

Being synchronized, myth or reality?

Considering the multitude of factors that come into play when we analyze our libido, it becomes almost obvious that having perfectly synchronized libidos is something extraordinary. Let's take another example: have you ever wanted to eat out on a night when your partner would have preferred to have it delivered at home? Nothing dramatic, right? In reality, it's the same for sex: sometimes, one wants sex, the other doesn't. And it's as simple as that. And it's as simple as that.

If it is important to realize that the idea that everything flows and that partners must be in perfect osmosis is a construction of any piece, it is necessary to know how to recognize that these divergences can be sources of suffering. Here are a few tips to help you on your way to accepting a difference in libido with your partner.

Working together and communicating

If a difference in libido proves to be problematic for the couple, it is together that we will have to work to resolve this difficulty. It is important not to point the finger at one or the other.

First and foremost, each side of the couple needs to deal with their own guilt: on the one hand for the person who "asks", and on the other hand for the person who "refuses". There is no individual responsibility in this matter, just as there is no normal level of sexual desire. Moving away from pathologizing allows us to focus on what is really problematic for each person.

As you know, communication is key. Your partner can't read your mind, or guess if you're frustrated, or what you want. Silence only makes things worse, by creating a buildup of resentment. Finally, keep in mind to go beyond reproach to express what you feel, what you are experiencing.

In order to clearly express what is bothering you, a little introspection can be very useful. For the person who says no, ask yourself what is bothering you? Are you satisfied with the frequency of your sexual relations? Are you struggling with certain biases? For the person asking, ask yourself what you miss when your partner doesn't want sex? Sometimes there are deeper things at play: do you need to be reassured?

By asking yourself these questions, you may be able to identify that your torment is caused by an external pressure (real or imagined): are we having enough sex? is less sex a sign of a bad relationship?

Intimacy beyond sex

Love and sex are not synonymous, nor are they inseparable. There are countless ways to cultivate intimacy as a couple. You are free to try new practices, to explore, to discover! For example: mutual or reciprocal masturbation, testing non-penetrative sex, taking showers together, giving each other a massage... or simply being together in a privileged setting. In fact, you have the opportunity to explore other ways to connect with your partner as well as with yourself.

In summary:

  • remove guilt
  • introspect: what is really bothering me
  • communicate
  • cooperate
  • explore

Finally, keep in mind that there are many resources to help couples. If you are feeling pain, the best thing to do is to talk about it with a specialized sexologist whose job it is to help couples overcome these kinds of challenges.