Spontaneous and reactive desire

It is usual to distinguish two types of sexual desire that we may feel. The first is what is called spontaneous desire: as its name indicates, it is an impulsive desire for sex, which arises without being preceded by any stimulation. On the other hand, reactive desire is the desire for sex in response to a stimulation, whether physical or mental: a massage, a reading, an erotic thought, a caress...

Desire is not gendered, nor is it standardized, despite the unfortunate tendency we have to make spontaneity the norm. Moreover, this very division is subject to discussion, with some people putting forward the interesting argument that no desire is really spontaneous. It would be the delay between the stimulation and the triggering of the sexual impulse that would vary from one person to another. Something to think about 😉

Our libido fluctuates

As you've probably realized by now, our sexual appetite is not like the consistency of a machine. Our libido is subject to natural fluctuations that are caused by a multitude of external factors. Health conditions, illnesses and their treatment, financial or professional concerns, and unforeseen life events are all elements that can slow down or on the contrary boost a person's sexual desire. It is therefore clear that the desire of people in a relationship is not necessarily constant or spontaneous. If the desire for sex can be put on the back burner compared to other preoccupations or even be forgotten over the years, don't panic: we're not here to tell you to make a definitive cross on your sex life - quite the contrary! Here are some tips to help you in your quest for sexual fulfillment.

Maintaining desire as a couple

The orchid you have, you take care of it carefully: you pay attention to its sunlight, and every 10 days you water it. Desire is just the same: you cultivate it. It sounds silly but it's real! The desire for sex is not to be taken for granted, and like a flower, it needs attention and care to bloom.

Just a reminder, impulsive outbursts are only seen in movies. Let's take the example of your plant again: noting in your schedule to remember to water it is not shocking. It's time to normalize the fact that you do the same thing for your moments of reunion as a couple. Set aside small time slots in your diaries just for you: there's no need to plan extravagant things, nor to block off an entire afternoon. You can do very simple things, small attentions that you know will please your partner, a one-to-one lunch, 5 minutes to hug each other without saying anything.... Allow yourself the luxury of taking the time; these privileged moments will allow you to find yourself together, to share and exchange, everything to continue to weld your couple.

Be careful, we see you coming: spending quality time together is not just being next to each other in front of the TV, feet on the table, each one scrolling on his phone without talking!

The power of communication

Communication will play a big role in the development of your relationship. It is important to be able to exchange freely on what drives you; it is the opportunity to continue to question yourself on what you like, to reflect on your fantasies and to let your erotic imagination run free, without necessarily trying to realize each of your thoughts. You will also learn about your partner, his desires, his fantasies. Through these discussions, you may realize that you share certain desires, you may be tempted, and you may even try new things. By talking with your partner, you're building a solid and necessary foundation for intimate exploration, and there's nothing like trying new things together to have fun and strengthen your relationship. And there's no need to try to unroll the whole kama-sutra to get out of the routine: you can try guided sex with melba, look for inspiration in the jouissance club book...

In the process, you will most likely come across things you like and things you don't like so much (failures are close, you'll laugh every time you remember); but the search itself is part of the fun!

In conclusion, we invite you to put aside the injunctions about sex and to seriously consider the desire of your couple. Your journey may be more or less complicated, and do not hesitate to ask for support and guidance from specialized sexologists.