Foreplay: what is it?

In France and more generally in the West, it is customary to refer to a rigid schema that codifies sexuality and according to which all sexual intercourse would follow the same sequence: foreplay, then penetration, then ejaculation / orgasm and end.

As you probably already know, this is a very limited vision of sexuality, which places phallovaginal penetration and heterosexuality at its center. In this conception, there would be an obligatory passage through this phase called foreplay which, by definition, would prepare the persons involved in the relationship for a more essential and important act, namely penetration. Our collective perception of foreplay is relatively blurred, but generally speaking the term refers to oral sex such as fellatio or cunnilingus.

This schematic vision is very limiting and does not address the issue of intimacy, connection between partners ... nor that of pleasure!

Melba's point of view

For us at Melba, sex is above all a moment of intimacy and sharing (between consenting adults of course). Whether there is contact between the sexes, penetration, touching or not, we are talking about sexual intercourse, in other words "making love". We believe that it is necessary to free ourselves collectively from exclusive and excluding vision of sexuality, because pleasure is a right for all!

We also believe that the notion of pleasure is central to sex. We don't all like the same practices, and our preferences may change with time or with our partners, so we prefer to use broad and flexible definitions.

Why the term is problematic

In particular, we note a few issues related to the use of preliminary terminology.

First of all, as explained above, the notion of foreplay implies that this act precedes something else, something more important. There is therefore a notion of temporality: foreplay should systematically take place before penetration.

Second, by its very nature, the notion of foreplay creates a hierarchy between sexual acts. If foreplay occurs before something central, it is because penetration is by definition a more important and valued sexual act.

As you have understood, classification and hierarchization have no place in sexuality. Indeed, what about people who do not like to receive or give oral sex, whatever the reasons for this dislike? And what about those for whom "foreplay" is enough on its own? Why should we have to go through penetration for the intercourse to be qualified as "real intercourse"? Where to put non-penetrative sex? Slow sex? People who suffer from vaginismus and have pain during penetration?

But also, what about people who do not have a penis. Because what is hidden behind this conception of sexuality is a phallocentric approach that invisibilizes and disqualifies others, for example lesbians.

No more talk of foreplay

There is no definition written in stone of what it really means to make love; for some, it starts with a look, a caress, a massage... One thing is sure, however, it is necessary to decentralize penetration from our conception of sex. Penetration is part of sex, but not all sex is penetrative.

Remember also that we all have this annoying tendency to assimilate phallovaginal penetration to penetration in general. Some people still think that anal penetration, whether with a finger, a toy or a penis, doesn't count... But then again, there is no right or wrong way to penetrate, just as there is no right or wrong way to make love.

To free ourselves from this schema is to free ourselves from injunctions that weigh down and limit our pleasure. By distancing ourselves from this conception, we can also desacralize the orgasm, and take a step back from the pressure of performance in sex.

It's your turn to try

Not talking about foreplay is good. We also encourage you to adopt practices that are decentered from penetration. For example, try to do everything you want, absolutely everything you and your partner agree to EXCEPT penetration. You will see that your imagination works very well and that the pleasures are unlimited!